Who else has a 4 year plus age gap and must spend December giving their older Kid the LOOK and whispering, “Don’t tell her remember, she still believes!” so they don’t expose the secret about St Nic to the younger one too soon?
Yep, well that’s the fun in my house. Then there’s in front of friends, school mums, family members when you have to turn into a sign language extraordinaire crouching down behind your child manically waving your hands around like you’re on the runway at Heathrow airport mouthing shut the F up they still believe making sure they realise not to say anything about old Nicholas that might let the cat out of the bag.
Ok so the Elf thing my son realised about 2-3 years ago that those crackhead Elves that come and mess shit up every year are actually for sale in the local garden centre!
They look the same, have a big bold price underneath them on the shelf, and a barcode (all of which I’d cut off of mine to make this madness more believable) and being the sane child that he is put two and two together and came up with MUM YOU’RE THE ELF!.....and it all went south from there I mean it should be like a secret deal you do at customer services in Tesco’s! or click and collect your bullshit lie in a box labelled vegetables, so they never go near it and then we actually all keep the secret alive and we don’t waste half an evening every night for a month setting up an obstacle course for a piece of plastic!
But in all honesty how are we supposed to disguise these things as some mystical, magical, mischievous creepy, stalker house guests from the North Pole when you blatantly sell them in the shop along with miniature versions of toilet paper and random crap to use with them!
What do we reckon start a petition for Elf on the shelf to become only available down the side alleys of the town centre or just scrap it all together?
But It's worth it.....
In all seriousness it’s the only thing that gets my daughter out of bed on the dark and dreary school mornings of December and I do love that little smile and sparkle in her eye when she sees they have been up to something whilst she was asleep. I can actually see the clogs turning in her mind whilst she creates this magical story of what she thinks really happened through the night… oh to be a child again with space in your brain to create this magic that isn’t filled with what to cook for dinner … what colour washing you have to do next etc.
It actually is quite nice now having my eldest in on the Elf thing he helps me with ideas and setting it up once she’s gone to bed and I think he likes being a part of the surprise for her as he is an absolute sweetheart.(not yet 13 could go horribly wrong soon)
I do struggle with him not believing in the magic of the Claus anymore because I know it won’t be long until the same thing happens with my youngest and I’m just not ready to lose that xmas morning feeling yet…. What happens to Christmas when your children grow up and no longer run into your room at 2,3,4,5,6 AM on Christmas day bouncing off the walls like they’ve been drip fed caffeine all night do you buy a cat and hope you can make it a believer ? I HAVE TO- HAVE TO- HAVE TO do all the most magical things I can in the next few years even if it exhausts and bankrupts us because I won’t get this time back with them.
DISCLAIMER NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED CHRISTMAS EVE AT 19……. I think I was around 19 but I’m not sure and I don’t remember much about that night other than I had a black dress on I think and I had been at work at my waitressing job.
I remember I accidentally sent my phone to an early grave sliding out of my pocket diving into the depths of a bleached filled mop bucket at the end of my shift (now I think that was an omen for the night ahead).
I got changed in the toilets after work as you do then met up with friends at the local club and got a wee bit drunk... alcohol and I have never really mixed well add to it a busy eve at work and an empty stomach trying to play catch up NOT a great start to the night (note to self must teach kids to line their stomach if they intend on getting rat arsed on xmas eve)
Long story short I remember my dad picking up I think. me. a friend and my brother as he had ended up at the same club. One minute I was laughing in the car with my friend the next we were outside her house dropping her off and I was leaning out of the car door pebble dashing her curb with bottles of orange VK and sambuca shots, straight from the depths of my non lined stomach!
Fast forward to getting home probably with some minor form of alcohol poisoning slumped fully clothed on my bed with my mum holding a washing up bowl under my chin…. clearly fuming that she’s supposed to be prepping parsnips for xmas day, not wiping chunks of sick off her adult daughter’s chin at 2am
So, my brother was trying to be helpful I meanwhile was going between laughing and throwing up, Mum sent him to go get me some water which he did fair play bro! Then when he comes back in and gives it to me, I gulped down half a pint and proceeded to slowly spit it back into his face like a little roman fountain until my mouth was empty and his face was soaked in sick scented tap water…. then cracked up laughing thinking it was the best thing I had ever done before passing out and being so unbelievably hungover the next day I legit missed Christmas dinner and only managed half a Yorkshire pudding about 10pm on Christmas day …. people ask why I don’t really drink anymore and why they won’t ever catch me drinking on xmas eve now you know 😊.
The point of my oversharing of is now I can see how utterly gutted my mum must have been still buying us presents and prepping a lovely xmas dinner even though I was 19 and my brother older for us to piss off out on xmas eve call for a lift at 2am and then chuck up in your washing bowl!
SO, I’m sorry mum, bro and thanks Dad for picking me up, I will tell my kids this story when they turn 17/18 in the hopes that they decide not to recreate it.
Failing that once they are busy doing their own thing at xmas we will make ourselves scarce and spend it on a beach somewhere instead, tanned up on a lilo. lemon Fanta in one hand self-help book in the other!
I just spoke to my brother to see what he remembers about the night he replied is that the same night you were trying to dance on the top floor bar with two bottles of drink and fell flat on your face? ……erm …. Did I …. maybe……ffs.
My mum mantra of the week
Enjoy those sometimes energy draining, magical traditions you have created on the lead up to xmas for your sproggs they love it we love it god knows if you have the energy and time they need the magic this year! because before you know it they might be throwing up sambuca in your washing bowl and swapping pigs in blankets for paracetamol in capsules god help us all!🤎
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